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ice cream with waldo

This post includes everything I would tell Waldo if I could talk to him again.

If I were to have ice cream with you; we would be talking for hours on end. We would be sitting at Lingam Cool Bar enjoying their delicious ice cream.

There is so much I need to tell you. Every day you’re gone just gets harder. Knowing your gone hurts but that doesn’t stop me from talking to you. I talk to you in my dreams, on bus rides- practically any chance I get.

First and foremost, I regret not telling you one thing when you were here with us on earth. I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder. Every day I regret not letting you in on this secret. Your support and guidance would have given me the motivation that could last a life time.

In April, I decided to open up about this to extended family, such as your brother and my entire school. I ended up doing a Ted Talk in front of my entire school. I spoke about my anxiety, gratitude and you <3. It was such a great experience. I hope you were looking down on me that day. My only wish is that I made you proud, Waldo.

I know that you told me to go to prom and that was my intention. But unfortunately, that didn’t happen. I had bought my dress and paid for my ticket but ended up not going. Why ? you may ask. That was because of drama in my friend’s group and the loss of a friend. But luckily, your girl helped me through it and made me feel better.

Now University. I got accepted into all seven programs I applied to 🙂 And got into my top choice ❤ I want you to know that I couldn’t have done it with out the support and motivation that you have given me. You have always been there when something amazing happened to me. And it hurts that you won’t be here for future moments. I love you more than you know dude ❤

-XOXO chana

 

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the big one – eight

I turned 18 last month! I can finally vote and buy lottery tickets. Time flew by so fast. 18 years have gone by and I still am struggling to get by.

Though my life is not all sunshine and rainbows, it has been fairly alright. I especially need to thank my parents and siblings. I would not be the person or where I am today without them. In my lifetime friends have come and gone, but the one constant in my life has been my family. They are my best friends, my support system, my heart, and soul.

As they say, old is gold. I have come to realize that though growing up sucks, its one of the most beautiful parts of life. We must embrace it.

Cheers to a new chapter ❤

– XOXO chana

 

P.S – Just look at this birthday cake 🙂

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Current Favourites

Hi everyone, it is time for my current favourites. This list entails everything I have been loving from the past couple of months.

 

Tim Hortons Iced Lattes

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This has been my go to drink at Timmies for the past couple of months. I am so glad Tim Hortons decided to add this to their menu. Their lattes are available in2 flavors, caramel, and mocha 🙂

The Ranch

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This TV show is a feel good and up lifting tv show! I finished 2 seasons in 5 days.

Samika Vlogs

This family is the cutest! I have been watching them for the past 3 years and I love every second of their videos 🙂

What products or things have you been loving?

-XOXO chana

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Summer Bucket List

It’s finally summer, and schools out 🙂 I cannot wait for long summer nights with good people. There is so much I want to do this summer. Typically, each summer I mentally take note of things I want to do. But unfortunately, I do not act on it. This year I have decided to tap into my love for lists and make a summer bucket list.

Let’s get ready for summer seventeen 🙂

Summer 2017 Bucket List:

  • Visit an Art Gallery
  • Go to Snakes and Lattes
  • Take Pictures at Graffiti Alley
  • Go Hiking
  • Visit a Vintage/Old Bookstore
  • Try N2 Icecream
  • Try Thai Rolled Icecream
  • Try Sweet Jesus
  • Visit National Parks in Ontario
  • Go to Albion Falls
  • Go on a Road Trip
  • Make Homemade Icecream or Frozen Yogurt
  • Go Star Gazing
  • Read 8 Books
  • Visit a Boardwalk
  • Try New Resturants
  • Watch the Sun Rise
  • Have a Bonfire
  • Have a BBQ
  • Watch a Movie at a Drive-In
  • Go Mini-Golfing
  • Create a Scrapbook / Get Pictures Processed
  • Have a Netflix Marathon Day
  • Tye Dye a Shirt
  • Complete a Puzzle
  • Create a Summer Playlist
  • Do a DIY Project\
  • Make Iced Tea
  • Have a water balloon fight
  • Send a Message in a Bottle
  • Take a Picture Everyday

Over time, if I come up with anything else I’ll be sure to update the list. At the end of summer, I will update you guys on what I have checked off on my list 🙂

Here’s to an awesome summer with great people 🙂

What’s on your summer bucket list?

-XOXO chana

 

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Book Review: The Charm Bracelet

The Charm Bracelet is a heartfelt novel written by Viola Shipman. Each turn of a page just melts your heart. This book is about the charm bracelet, that is a family heirloom. It entails the rediscovery of the important of family and each charm. Each year, Lolly, one of the main characters was given a charm along with advice for her birthday. Lolly is now seventy and starting to forget her past. The story of the family and each charm is revealed bit by bit. This story reminds readers of the preciousness of family. This book follows the lives of Lolly, Lauren, and Arden.

You must remember, unhappiness can consume you entirely, without you realizing. Happiness is a choice. – Viola Shipman

This exquisite writing brings together the 3 woman as they reminisce on Lolly’s past and charm bracelet. Each charm has a story behind that over time she begins to share with her daughter and granddaughter. This book made me realize the importance of family and how you should cherish them.

The main characters in this book all face the same challenges in life. Throughout this novel, you learn how each character overcomes their challenges and fears in life. How do you let go of your fears and do what you love? How do you cope with the highs and lows of life? How do you learn to love yourself, and pick yourself up every time life knocks you down? These are what the characters have trouble with.

This book couldn’t have come at a better time. Currently, I am dealing with finishing off high school which entails exams and summatives. This book taught me more than ever that you can rely on your family at your darkest times. Unlike like other individuals they will be there for you at the end of the day no matter what.

One reason I enjoyed this book deeply is because of the mini sentimental lessons you learn from each charm. Each charm holds a reminder for you in life such as to have fun, to let go of control, to seek out the type of love we deserve, to follow our passions, etc.

After reading this book, I have decided that my next big purchase will be a charm bracelet. As I want to continue the tradition in the book in my own life. I would like to be able to pass a bracelet on to my children and tell them the stories of each charm. Thank you, Viola Shipman.

I 100% recommend yall to read this novel. This book is a heartfelt novel that I will continue to re-read throughout my life. Your girl finished this book in 3 hours. I would recommend this book to young adult readers and anyone looking for a light or easy read. Overall I rate this book 5/5 stars 🙂

-XOXO chana

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The Day My Life Changed Forever

It was like another other Christmas day, joy and happiness spread around the household. Presents being exchanged. Overall we were ecstatic to not only receive gifts but also receive them.

I was quite happy with that I had received from not only my family but also my friends. Though I didn’t need anything. I had everything I ever wanted and need in the room – my family.

Unlike like others, who do not speak to their family, they are my best friends. My parents and siblings are my support system. I know that they will always be there for me no matter what. These four individuals would drop anything in the world to just be with me at my worst. I could rely on them and depend on them. They are my heart, my soul, my everything.

After the typical gift exchange, we decided to lay low for the day. We just hung out and spent the day together with the presence of family. That’s all I needed on Christmas day.

Little did I know that the next day, my life would change forever. And let me just tell you, it was not a pleasant.

December 26th, 2016. The day my earth and heart shattered into a million pieces. It was like any other Boxing day in my household. We were not like others, we did not find joy in lining up to get the best prices on useless objects. We avoided the crowds, long lines, and malls in general. We were not believers in Boxing day and will never be.

The day flew by with us playing cards and bothering my parents. Just any typical day in my household.

Then one call would change our lives forever. It was 1am when my father received an urgent phone call. At that time I was messing around and laughing with my parents, my father got fed up and sent me to bed. Meanwhile, my cousin would be dead in a car at that moment.

I heard his phone ring. He was hesitant to answer. But he picked up anyway. I was just dozing off when I heard the word serious and jumped out bed. I ran straight to my dad. From the tone of his voice. I knew something was wrong. He cut the phone and explained that my cousin, Waldo was in a serious car accident. My father, mother, and brother drove off to my cousin’s house, while, my sister and I stayed behind.

At that instant, I could not think about anything other than Waldo. He was the only thing on my mind at 1 am. I just wanted him to be alright. Little did I know, I was completely wrong. I was hesitant to fall asleep as I wanted to know what had happened to him. I needed to hear he was fine,

It wasn’t until 7 am the next day when my brother woke me up by saying that Waldo died. At that moment I burst into tears. The man I looked up to and turned to was gone. He would no longer be walking this earth because of a careless driver. He was taken away for someone else’s selfish acts. He was gone forever and nothing could change that. He was a warrior, my superman and now he had become my guardian angel.

How could he be gone? How could god take away a 21-year-old? How will I survive? How will I get past this? How do you mend a broken heart? How do you fix this? Just HOW

– XOXO chana

 

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My Anxiety

At some point in your life, you will experience anxiety. Whether that be your friends, a new crowd, school, work, finances or just life in general. This small thing affects the lives of millions every day. And I am one of those people.

My life flipped upside down this time last year. I had learned from my psychiatrist that I had Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Learning this news kept me at an utter shock. How had I not known about this for 2 years?

So you might be wondering where my anxiety stems from. Well, it all began the summer of 2013 when my mother and I took a trip to Sri Lanka. I was separated from my support system and felt separation anxiety every day. The culture shock from being in a new country manifested into anxiety and got even worse.

My anxiety comes in waves at any moment of my day. Some days I’m fine and other days its as if I’m held captive my a dark cloud. Just ask my siblings. They would tell you how lazy and unmotivated I become. The only thing I would want to do on those days is sleep in my bed. This would be my escape from reality and the world.

Anxiety, in general, is stressful. People may have anxiety about separation or in social situations. Meanwhile, my anxiety is a combination of all those. Generalized anxiety means that anything can make me anxious at any given moment. It sucks not knowing when I’ll be anxious. Some days it is a struggle to just get through the day.

Overtime, I have come to realize that though my anxiety has its negatives, it also has positive. My anxiety has led me to be more productive, as I will constantly be worrying. This has led to me completing my tasks days ahead in order to not be stressed and fell relief.  So I thank my anxiety for the greater good 🙂

What causes you anxiety?

-XOXO chana

 

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To The Woman Whos Become My Sister

Dear Princess P,

I know it may be hard knowing your man is no longer here. But I want to thank you for loving him the way you did. You brought happiness to my weirdo brother. You loved him through all his flaws and worst times. I will forever be grateful for everything you have done. You have become an inspiration to me

I have come to realize that you will forever be apart of our family. You are my sister. I will look up to you from now on. You are a shining light I am glad to have in my life. Don’t ever let anyone bring you down.

You are one of the strongest people I know. You got through, though every day is a constant battle. You showed me the true meaning of a warrior. You stayed strong and showed him that you are a warrior.

You’re the woman Waldo loved. You make him so damn proud. I want you to know that I believe in and worship you. You have become one of my favorite people on this earth.

I can totally see why Waldo fell for you. Your gorgeous face, beautiful smile, the way you care about everyone. These attributes show me the most wonderful person.

Though life may be hard, I want you to know that I will be there for you, as you were there for me during my mental breakdowns. You helped and healed me when I was feeling ill and when all I could think about was waldo.  You are loved gurl ❤

-XOXO chana

 

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How I Deal With My Anxiety

Anxiety. A negative additional to your day but at times helpful and good to have. Though some days are worse, I have found several things to do to help with my anxiety.

Read.

Through dealing with my generalized anxiety disorder for the past year I have come to realize that reading is my main coping mechanism. This allows me to escape the world for a while and allow my heart/ mind to be at ease. I enjoy reading – whether  that be books, magazines, news articles or simply just blog posts. Reading is fun.

Netflix.

I have found that at my lowest and darkest moments Netflix is very helpful. I enjoy watching light and feel good shows. This allows me to get my mind of worrying and just relax. Some shows that I love watching are : Unbreakble Kimmy Schimdt, Gilmore Girls and Friends.

Talk to Someone.

I am typically the type of person to keep to myself when I have an issue. Recently I discovered that opening up allows me to reduce my anxiety. Talking to someone you trust- whether that be a friend, family member or even a teacher. Open up and you will feel instant ease and relief.

-XOXO chana

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For Waldo

Death brings people together at one of the worst moments of your life. But it also teaches you a lesson. Recently, after the death of my cousin, Waldo, who was more like a brother, I was reminded that I should be grateful for my life.

Gratitude is a simple attribute of being thankful. Yet in this society, there are very few people who show gratitude.  From my experience,  gratitude can take you to incredible places. I am grateful for all the little things: my flaws, my crooked teeth, smiles in the hall, my books, my support system.  I could go on and on. But one of the most important things I am grateful for is my life, every breath I take, and this includes my anxiety.   I was reminded of the importance of life recently when my cousin, Atheesh Balasubramaniam, aka Waldo, was suddenly killed in a car accident on December 26th, 2016. My cousin was on his way home to Pickering when he was involved in a 3 car collision and was pronounced dead at the scene”. At the time, someone close to me told me that “it’s good to use something negative in your life as a positive”. This really resonated so I stopped dwelling on the past. Moving forward I decided to cherish everything I have, everything I’ve seen, and all the memories I’ve made. I use a gratitude journal, journal, blog as well as simply writing whenever it strikes me. Though my anxiety is like a monster living inside of my brain, it is one of the many pieces that make up ME!  It makes me unique. Sure, anxiety can be bad, but understanding my anxiety has led to some unexpected positive things as well – like me becoming really productive, something new for me after my diagnosis.  I never got the chance to tell Waldo that I had a generalized anxiety disorder but I hope he is looking down on me now and saying he’s proud of me for not only getting help but also opening up about it.  He has become my guardian angel, and I will do everything I can to honor him.  He was one of the few people on this earth who could make me smile at any moment, and he my friends, was taken way too damn soon.

Waldo was someone I would depend on and turn to in times of trouble. I vividly remember Snapchatting you whenever something big happened to me and you would congratulate me. You would tell me that the best is yet to come and that I could accomplish my dreams. When I told you I was thinking about applying to college instead you did not question it, you simply said that it was my decision and that you believed in me. You told me that I could do it and that’s all I needed to hear.

Waldo was a fourth-year university student who was a blessing to me. He was a family man who worked two jobs. He was like no other person I knew. He was optimistic who could be seen smiling at any given moment. This smile captivated the hearts of many people including mine. His smile could light up an entire city. He inspired and encouraged me to follow my dreams. He changed the lives of people around him and made them so damn proud. I am proud to say, you were my brother. You will and always will be a blessing. You hold a special piece of my heart. I love you more than you know

I remember your funeral, where I heard the cries of your parents. Everyone was asking questions of how you could be taken away so soon. I remember seeing your pale gray body in your casket that you were too tall for. Your face did not look the same, it wasn’t my Waldo in there.  I still see you being carried by all of your brothers, with “See You Again” being played in the car you had created with your best friend. My heart still aches when I hear your name or think of you.  When I close my eyes all I see is your dad pressing the button to cremate you. And at that moment I died a little, knowing my favorite person in the world would no longer be here for me.
 

When I think of you I think of all my memories of you. From our sleepovers to breaking the lights from playing silent ball, to Neopets, to endless Mario kart races to playing little big planet to deep talks in the basement eating frosted flakes. All I know is that these memories will be cherished. The memory of my superman will live in my heart forever. I will continue to tell you all my problems and accomplishments. You are my shining light. My guardian angel. My everything. My Heart and Soul. I love you so damn much Waldo.
 
-XOXO chana
 
 
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