the expense of protection

They tell me they lied for me 

To protect me – 

But at what expense was it at ?

2 years of nothing but lies 

2 years of waiting on him

2 years of crying my self to sleep

2 years of being treated like I’m crazy 

2 years of scheming

2 years of depression

2 years of suicidal thoughts – 

The only things keeping me from ending my life 

Was my girls specifically M,A,S,T, 

They were the ones by my side at my lowest 

They were the ones that motivated me to get better 

They were the ones who validated my feelings 

They were the ones who were there for me 

at my lowest and darkest nights

They were the ones I spilled my heart out to 

Because I couldn’t trust my family

So this ones for them. 

Thank you for sticking by my side.

Thank you for being there 

Thank you for making me realize my self worth 

Thank you for giving me the love I needed to heal 

Thank you for providing me words of affirmation

I love you guys to infinitely and beyond 

-XOXO chana

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My Anxiety

At some point in your life, you will experience anxiety. Whether that be your friends, a new crowd, school, work, finances or just life in general. This small thing affects the lives of millions every day. And I am one of those people.

My life flipped upside down this time last year. I had learned from my psychiatrist that I had Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Learning this news kept me at an utter shock. How had I not known about this for 2 years?

So you might be wondering where my anxiety stems from. Well, it all began the summer of 2013 when my mother and I took a trip to Sri Lanka. I was separated from my support system and felt separation anxiety every day. The culture shock from being in a new country manifested into anxiety and got even worse.

My anxiety comes in waves at any moment of my day. Some days I’m fine and other days its as if I’m held captive my a dark cloud. Just ask my siblings. They would tell you how lazy and unmotivated I become. The only thing I would want to do on those days is sleep in my bed. This would be my escape from reality and the world.

Anxiety, in general, is stressful. People may have anxiety about separation or in social situations. Meanwhile, my anxiety is a combination of all those. Generalized anxiety means that anything can make me anxious at any given moment. It sucks not knowing when I’ll be anxious. Some days it is a struggle to just get through the day.

Overtime, I have come to realize that though my anxiety has its negatives, it also has positive. My anxiety has led me to be more productive, as I will constantly be worrying. This has led to me completing my tasks days ahead in order to not be stressed and fell relief.  So I thank my anxiety for the greater good 🙂

What causes you anxiety?

-XOXO chana

 

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How I Deal With My Anxiety

Anxiety. A negative additional to your day but at times helpful and good to have. Though some days are worse, I have found several things to do to help with my anxiety.

Read.

Through dealing with my generalized anxiety disorder for the past year I have come to realize that reading is my main coping mechanism. This allows me to escape the world for a while and allow my heart/ mind to be at ease. I enjoy reading – whether  that be books, magazines, news articles or simply just blog posts. Reading is fun.

Netflix.

I have found that at my lowest and darkest moments Netflix is very helpful. I enjoy watching light and feel good shows. This allows me to get my mind of worrying and just relax. Some shows that I love watching are : Unbreakble Kimmy Schimdt, Gilmore Girls and Friends.

Talk to Someone.

I am typically the type of person to keep to myself when I have an issue. Recently I discovered that opening up allows me to reduce my anxiety. Talking to someone you trust- whether that be a friend, family member or even a teacher. Open up and you will feel instant ease and relief.

-XOXO chana

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