the chronicles of chana – pt.1 : prologue

The Baleswarans. Close knit. Loving. Loyal. Privileged. Damaged. Minorities. Trustworthy. Selfless. We live in in Toronto – more specifically Scarborough. 

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Chana was an ordinary girl. Loving family of 4 beautiful souls who she could depend on. Friends that she believed in. Living with flaws she had learned to love over time. Just a city girl trying to fit in to this world. Shy was her middle name. The type to sit in the corner of a crowded room, isolated from all the other beings in the room. She was a book nerd, loved to lose her self in a good book. Yet one vacation would change everything she’d ever known. Her life would be flipped upside down. 

I would to to hear your thoughts after reading this – leave them in the comments below

-XOXO chana

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the expense of protection

They tell me they lied for me 

To protect me – 

But at what expense was it at ?

2 years of nothing but lies 

2 years of waiting on him

2 years of crying my self to sleep

2 years of being treated like I’m crazy 

2 years of scheming

2 years of depression

2 years of suicidal thoughts – 

The only things keeping me from ending my life 

Was my girls specifically M,A,S,T, 

They were the ones by my side at my lowest 

They were the ones that motivated me to get better 

They were the ones who validated my feelings 

They were the ones who were there for me 

at my lowest and darkest nights

They were the ones I spilled my heart out to 

Because I couldn’t trust my family

So this ones for them. 

Thank you for sticking by my side.

Thank you for being there 

Thank you for making me realize my self worth 

Thank you for giving me the love I needed to heal 

Thank you for providing me words of affirmation

I love you guys to infinitely and beyond 

-XOXO chana

darkest days

even on my darkest

I still speak about you

with endearing terms

and spill my heart out

to anyone willing to listen

they say –

If he were the one

he would have ;

stayed

been present

consisten

they call you:

a wastebucket

a fuc boi

toxic

an ass

a cheat –

but I know

in my soul and with everyinch of my heart

the mistakes we were were pure and out of innocence

I need time to grow and bloosom

but I still have faith in

you & us

even when your actions and words tell me otherwise

I miss the old you – the real you

-XOXO chana

what i’ve learned in quarantine

• you don’t need to be productive all the time
• take care of your mental health
• spend time with your family – because you don’t know the next time you would have this much free time
• organize and try to plan out your day
• catch up with college or work emails
• take some time out of your week to go outside – whether that be for a walk or even just a simple round of badminton
• create – whether that be writing, painting, doodling, photography

What Have You Learned This Quarantine Season?

– XOXO chana

Find Me on my Socials

• Instagram:
  • @justmyselfa

• Twitter: @chanab_

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how do I sleep at night

amma – 

how do I sleep at night 

knowing he left me 

so easily 

am I going to be alright 

how do I move on?

amma –

will this feeling pass?

-XOXO chana

racing thoughts

all these sleepless nights

are catching up to me

meanwhile

you walk away

scout free?

how is it

that you

moved on so fast –

you took any

chance

you got

to race off

with a piece

of my heart.

my hopes and dreams

were all crushed

by you

-XOXO chana

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closure

i hear noises 

that translate to your voice 

i see faces 

that shift into yours 

i am haunted by 

the memory of you 

how can I forget you 

if I haven’t

got closure 

-XOXO chana

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knight.

you did

a number 

on my heart 

told me

you would 

be my knight 

in shining armour 

yet all

you were 

was a coward

dressed 

in a

shitty cape

-XOXO chana

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boi

i am done suffering alone

you’ve had

plenty of time

to make up

your stupid mind

yet

each night your probably with your bois

laughing

at the hurt

you caused

-XOXO chana

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strangers

i’ve become

a stranger

to my own body

i dont recognize

my self

no more

gone are the traces

of my old self

-XOXO chana

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