desire

maybe, just maybe

i fell for you

too hard, too fast

scaring you away

with my unconditional love

and my endless need

to know that you are okay

because after all

you are the one

my heart craves

-XOXO chana

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you

here I am

thinking of you

and all that we had

yet no one seems to believe it

i’m stuck replaying memories of you

in the black hole that is is my mind

i close my eyes and all I see is you

-XOXO chana

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The Day My Life Changed Forever

It was like another other Christmas day, joy and happiness spread around the household. Presents being exchanged. Overall we were ecstatic to not only receive gifts but also receive them.

I was quite happy with that I had received from not only my family but also my friends. Though I didn’t need anything. I had everything I ever wanted and need in the room – my family.

Unlike like others, who do not speak to their family, they are my best friends. My parents and siblings are my support system. I know that they will always be there for me no matter what. These four individuals would drop anything in the world to just be with me at my worst. I could rely on them and depend on them. They are my heart, my soul, my everything.

After the typical gift exchange, we decided to lay low for the day. We just hung out and spent the day together with the presence of family. That’s all I needed on Christmas day.

Little did I know that the next day, my life would change forever. And let me just tell you, it was not a pleasant.

December 26th, 2016. The day my earth and heart shattered into a million pieces. It was like any other Boxing day in my household. We were not like others, we did not find joy in lining up to get the best prices on useless objects. We avoided the crowds, long lines, and malls in general. We were not believers in Boxing day and will never be.

The day flew by with us playing cards and bothering my parents. Just any typical day in my household.

Then one call would change our lives forever. It was 1am when my father received an urgent phone call. At that time I was messing around and laughing with my parents, my father got fed up and sent me to bed. Meanwhile, my cousin would be dead in a car at that moment.

I heard his phone ring. He was hesitant to answer. But he picked up anyway. I was just dozing off when I heard the word serious and jumped out bed. I ran straight to my dad. From the tone of his voice. I knew something was wrong. He cut the phone and explained that my cousin, Waldo was in a serious car accident. My father, mother, and brother drove off to my cousin’s house, while, my sister and I stayed behind.

At that instant, I could not think about anything other than Waldo. He was the only thing on my mind at 1 am. I just wanted him to be alright. Little did I know, I was completely wrong. I was hesitant to fall asleep as I wanted to know what had happened to him. I needed to hear he was fine,

It wasn’t until 7 am the next day when my brother woke me up by saying that Waldo died. At that moment I burst into tears. The man I looked up to and turned to was gone. He would no longer be walking this earth because of a careless driver. He was taken away for someone else’s selfish acts. He was gone forever and nothing could change that. He was a warrior, my superman and now he had become my guardian angel.

How could he be gone? How could god take away a 21-year-old? How will I survive? How will I get past this? How do you mend a broken heart? How do you fix this? Just HOW

– XOXO chana

 

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To The Woman Whos Become My Sister

Dear Princess P,

I know it may be hard knowing your man is no longer here. But I want to thank you for loving him the way you did. You brought happiness to my weirdo brother. You loved him through all his flaws and worst times. I will forever be grateful for everything you have done. You have become an inspiration to me

I have come to realize that you will forever be apart of our family. You are my sister. I will look up to you from now on. You are a shining light I am glad to have in my life. Don’t ever let anyone bring you down.

You are one of the strongest people I know. You got through, though every day is a constant battle. You showed me the true meaning of a warrior. You stayed strong and showed him that you are a warrior.

You’re the woman Waldo loved. You make him so damn proud. I want you to know that I believe in and worship you. You have become one of my favorite people on this earth.

I can totally see why Waldo fell for you. Your gorgeous face, beautiful smile, the way you care about everyone. These attributes show me the most wonderful person.

Though life may be hard, I want you to know that I will be there for you, as you were there for me during my mental breakdowns. You helped and healed me when I was feeling ill and when all I could think about was waldo.  You are loved gurl ❤

-XOXO chana

 

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For Waldo

Death brings people together at one of the worst moments of your life. But it also teaches you a lesson. Recently, after the death of my cousin, Waldo, who was more like a brother, I was reminded that I should be grateful for my life.

Gratitude is a simple attribute of being thankful. Yet in this society, there are very few people who show gratitude.  From my experience,  gratitude can take you to incredible places. I am grateful for all the little things: my flaws, my crooked teeth, smiles in the hall, my books, my support system.  I could go on and on. But one of the most important things I am grateful for is my life, every breath I take, and this includes my anxiety.   I was reminded of the importance of life recently when my cousin, Atheesh Balasubramaniam, aka Waldo, was suddenly killed in a car accident on December 26th, 2016. My cousin was on his way home to Pickering when he was involved in a 3 car collision and was pronounced dead at the scene”. At the time, someone close to me told me that “it’s good to use something negative in your life as a positive”. This really resonated so I stopped dwelling on the past. Moving forward I decided to cherish everything I have, everything I’ve seen, and all the memories I’ve made. I use a gratitude journal, journal, blog as well as simply writing whenever it strikes me. Though my anxiety is like a monster living inside of my brain, it is one of the many pieces that make up ME!  It makes me unique. Sure, anxiety can be bad, but understanding my anxiety has led to some unexpected positive things as well – like me becoming really productive, something new for me after my diagnosis.  I never got the chance to tell Waldo that I had a generalized anxiety disorder but I hope he is looking down on me now and saying he’s proud of me for not only getting help but also opening up about it.  He has become my guardian angel, and I will do everything I can to honor him.  He was one of the few people on this earth who could make me smile at any moment, and he my friends, was taken way too damn soon.

Waldo was someone I would depend on and turn to in times of trouble. I vividly remember Snapchatting you whenever something big happened to me and you would congratulate me. You would tell me that the best is yet to come and that I could accomplish my dreams. When I told you I was thinking about applying to college instead you did not question it, you simply said that it was my decision and that you believed in me. You told me that I could do it and that’s all I needed to hear.

Waldo was a fourth-year university student who was a blessing to me. He was a family man who worked two jobs. He was like no other person I knew. He was optimistic who could be seen smiling at any given moment. This smile captivated the hearts of many people including mine. His smile could light up an entire city. He inspired and encouraged me to follow my dreams. He changed the lives of people around him and made them so damn proud. I am proud to say, you were my brother. You will and always will be a blessing. You hold a special piece of my heart. I love you more than you know

I remember your funeral, where I heard the cries of your parents. Everyone was asking questions of how you could be taken away so soon. I remember seeing your pale gray body in your casket that you were too tall for. Your face did not look the same, it wasn’t my Waldo in there.  I still see you being carried by all of your brothers, with “See You Again” being played in the car you had created with your best friend. My heart still aches when I hear your name or think of you.  When I close my eyes all I see is your dad pressing the button to cremate you. And at that moment I died a little, knowing my favorite person in the world would no longer be here for me.
 

When I think of you I think of all my memories of you. From our sleepovers to breaking the lights from playing silent ball, to Neopets, to endless Mario kart races to playing little big planet to deep talks in the basement eating frosted flakes. All I know is that these memories will be cherished. The memory of my superman will live in my heart forever. I will continue to tell you all my problems and accomplishments. You are my shining light. My guardian angel. My everything. My Heart and Soul. I love you so damn much Waldo.
 
-XOXO chana
 
 
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A Piece of My Heart

Death comes in many forms. Whether it comes unexpected or was expected; the pain is still there. At some point in our lives, we think about death. And how we would like to leave this world. Though it takes someone away – it brings a family together. It is something we all fear. As humans, we never willingly speak about death. It is not something you casually bring up in a conversation.

The past few months have been a struggle. Recently, my cousin – who was more like my brother passed away. Each day it just gets harder. People say with time everything will be fine. But lately, it seems like with each passing day the hole in my heart lengthens. It sucks to know that I will not be able to see Waldo. He was destined for bigger and better things, yet was taken away, way too soon. 

Why was a wonderful person taken away from us at a young age? How does one move on from the death of a loved one? How do you mend a broken heart?

Every day I find myself thinking of waldo and everything he was supposed to be. The hole in my chest will never be filled. All I feel is emptiness as the days pass by.

Along with death comes grief. As a family, you will find yourselves going through several stages. First, comes isolation, then comes anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance. The stages are a never ending cycle. There is no time limit, you can find yourself grieving for a couple months or even your whole lifetime.

After, Waldo’s death I was constantly in a state of shock. Was he really gone? I would keep replaying what happened in my head. I would be sitting down relaxing and then all of a sudden it would hit me. The end result were tears streaming down my face.

There’s not a day that passes by, where I don’t think of Waldo. He is constantly in my mind. He is the voice in my head, that helps me make decisions. Everything I do and plan to do is for Waldo. He taught me to fight for what you believe in and to work hard. And that is what I intend to do. He is my guardian angel ❤

Who is your guardian angel?

-XOXO chana

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